Planet of PIE
by Puddle-Jumper38
Summary: A short comedy fic containing my own team SGA-8 and SGA-13 but obviously still starring the existing main characters.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Stargate Atlantis….unfortunately. Though I am planning to come back from the Pegasus Galaxy and stop those MGM people from revealing the truth….

**A/N: **Okay, this is a random and humorous short story. Now, this has my two teams in it SGA-8 and SGA-13, let me introduce…

**SGA-8**

Lieutenant George Mills

Captain Lance Harris

Doctor Frederick Tatum

Sergeant Amy West

**SGA-13**

Major Mickey Johnson

Lieutenant Jay young

Captain Scott Powers

Corporal Chris Newcorn

Obviously the existing characters are still the main characters.

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**PLANET OF P.I.E**

Sheppard, Weir, McKay, Teyla and Ronon sat around the table in the conference room.

"I have another of those make-friends-with-natives missions for you," announced Weir.

McKay groaned. "Seriously?"

"Yes Rodney, seriously. Except this time it may be a little more difficult. I want you to try and re-establish an alliance with the people of PI3 H38," Weir told them.

"Is that not the planet that SGA-13 called 'Planet of Pie' because they thought the first three numbers and digits looked like they said PIE?" inquired Teyla.

"Yep," answered Sheppard. "And then they decided that because it was Planet of Pie for some reason there was no way the planet could be dangerous."

"Hm. It's also the planet where the natives chased SGA-8 off after Lieutenant Mills let Sergeant West take her ipod and she played Monty Python," added McKay.

"What that?" asked Ronon.

"Comedy T.V show," Sheppard explained.

"And not a polite one," muttered McKay.

"Yes," agreed Weir. "SGA-8 were chased off because Monty Python's language was blaspheme to their culture. Which is why I need you to smooth things over."

"And we're meant to do this how?" questioned McKay.

"I'm sure between the four of you you'll work something out," replied Weir, looking pointedly at Teyla.

"Of course we will," Teyla assured her.

"Thank you, I want you ready to go in half an hour," announced Weir.

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SGA-13 crept into the armory

"Which ones are they taking?" asked Captain Scott Powers.

"Those ones," answered Major Mickey Johnson, pointing to a small pile of weapons. "Young, did you get Ronon's?"

Lieutenant Jay Young grinned. "Yep, while he was in the gym."

"Great. Let's get to work," replied Johnson.

Corporal Chris Newcorn handed him a large full sac. Johnson took it and they got to work…

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Sheppard and McKay jogged into the Gateroom five minutes late.

Weir raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry," apologised Sheppard. "McKay was finishing some work on Ancient technology in his lab and he need my non-artificial ATA Gene."

McKay glared at him. "I…"

"Well at least you're here now," broke in Weir. "Keep in mind, I am not sending you to this planet to make things worse. Good luck."

"We'll need it," muttered McKay and the four of them stepped through the event horizon.

They stepped out on to PI3 H38 to see a group of native people surrounding them.

"They are form the same group of people as the Offenders!" yelled one woman.

A man stepped forward. "I am sorry, your people are no longer welcome here. Please leave."

"We have come to apologise for our people's earlier behaviour on their trip here," Teyla told him.

"It is too late for apologises," replied the man. "Leave our planet immediately."

Teyla opened her mouth to continue arguing and all the natives simultaneously took out guns and pointed them at SGA-1.

"Whoa!" exclaimed Sheppard and they also raised their weapons.

"Leave or we will be forced to kill you," announced the man.

"Look," started Sheppard. "We didn't come here to insult your people…"

"There is no need for violence," broke in Teyla. "We simply wanted to make amends and perhaps become allies with your people."

"You are not leaving!" exclaimed another man, annoyed the Lanteans had not left straight away he raised his gun, about to shoot.

Ronon stepped forward, set his gun to stun, and fired…

He, Sheppard, McKay and Teyla watched in amazement and disbelief as a jet of water came out of Ronon's gun, soaking the man from head to foot.

The whole group of people yelled an angry protest.

Sheppard pointed his P90 at the ground and pulled the trigger, a spray of water hit the ground. "Oh crap."

"KILL THEM!!" exclaimed a woman.

Sheppard set a jet of water into her eyes. "RUN!"

The four of them took off at top speed into the trees, real bullets whizzing past them.

"What happened?!" yelled McKay as he and Teyla returned fire… and water came out of their guns too.

"I've no idea!" complained Sheppard noting that his water gun P90 weighed exactly the same as a normal one.

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Weir looked at her watch, just over an hour had passed since SGA-1 had left.

"Lorne? Has Colonel Sheppard checked in yet?"

"Don't think so," replied Major Lorne, who was on Gate duty because the rest of his team had landed themselves in the infirmary.

"Right, dial it up, I told them to check in after an hour," ordered Weir.

Lorne nodded to a technician, who dialled PI3 H38.

Weir tapped on her radio. "Colonel Sheppard, can you hear me?"

No reply.

"Colonel Sheppard, please respond," Weir tried again.

Still nothing.

Weir sighed. "Shut it down. Lorne, I need you and SGA-8 ready to go in the Jumper Bay in ten minutes."

"Yes Ma'am." Lorne left the room to get his team ready.

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SGA-1 were hiding in a large rocky cave.

Sheppard frowned at his guns, both were water guns. "McKay, why didn't we notice?"

McKay was examining his P90. "Hmm. These are very clever, they are identical on the outside to a normal P90, they're even made to be the same weight. So it's impossible to tell that their water guns until you fire, whoever made these must have used Ancient technology because the guns automatically reload from the water in the atmosphere after you've fired."

McKay paused for a second. "Zelenka probably made these. He'd have the scientific knowledge to do it."

"Yeah, but I bet SGA-13 put him up to it, I doubt anyone else would sent us off world with water guns," replied Sheppard, irritated at getting stuck off world with water guns, and promptly soaked McKay with his P90.

"Oh _thanks_! Was that really necessary?!" exclaimed McKay.

"Yep," Sheppard told him… and then frowned as he was hit with a blast of water from Ronon's gun. "Hey!"

Sheppard soaked Ronon too. Ronon sent another blast at him. Teyla was the only one who remained dry, so Sheppard and Ronon both fired on her. Teyla was not impressed, and fired back at them both.

McKay rolled his eyes. "Maybe SGA-13 should've called this 'Planet of Water Fights' instead."

Sheppard paused in the water fight. "No, I think planet of P.I.E. is fine."

"Hmm? Really? Just because SGA-13 thought PI3 looked like it spelt Pie?" inquired McKay.

"Yeah, that and **P I E** as in Planet of **P**issed **I**ndigenous **E**ntities," replied Sheppard.

McKay gave him an irritated look but before he could comment Teyla and Ronon decided that he was drying out so they soaked him with their guns.

"Stop it! Didn't it occur to you that I might have expensive equipment with me?" complained McKay.

Ronon shrugged. "It can take a little water."

"Oh, I'm sure it could take a _little_ water, not a lot!" snapped McKay. "Stop soaking me!"

Sheppard snorted in amusement. Ronon set his gun to 'kill' and fired at Sheppard, the blast of water that followed sent Sheppard flying across the cave. Ronon and Teyla both started laughing, McKay couldn't help it and joined in.

Sheppard rolled on to all fours and started coughing up water.

"You look like you did after that storm hit Atlantis," remarked McKay.

"Funny," replied Sheppard sarcastically, before hitting Ronon with multiple water blasts from his P90. Ronon turned his gun on McKay, who promptly took refuge behind a rock.

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Lorne and SGA-8 had been searching the planet's surface for twenty minutes after parking their cloaked Puddle Jumper. They had been avoiding contact with the natives after they had recognised Sergeant Amy West as the original 'Offender' and tried to shoot them all.

According to Zelenka there was weak shielding around the planet that interfered with some of the Ancient technology, making life signs detectors useless, but luckily it didn't effect the Jumper's flight.

Lieutenant Mills sighed. "I never realised just how handy those scanners are."

"No kidding," agreed Lorne, then held up a hand. "Wait, I think I heard something from that cave."

The five of them crept up to the cave and peered in, they saw that the floor of the cave was soaked. Mills saw a 9mm sticking up over the top of one of the rocks.

"I swear, if one of you even attempts to break cover and come over here to further ruin my equipment you will be so wet that it just won't be worth it!" announced the rock with the 9mm.

Mills and Lorne exchanged a glance.

A P90 stuck up over another rock. "Where's Ronon?"

A second P90 came up behind a third rock. "I do not know. I think he is being silent so that we do not know where he is."

Lorne walked in to the cave, followed by Mills, Harris, Tatum and West.

"Why are you hiding behind rocks?" asked Lorne.

"What?" A very wet McKay stood up from behind the first rock. "Where did you come from?!"

Ronon sprung up from behind a cluster of rocks and fired at McKay, who was sent flying backwards by a jet of water. Dr Frederick Tatum sniggered.

"Huh?" questioned Mills.

"Alright." Sheppard stood up from behind the second rock. "I'm calling a truce."

Ronon reluctantly put his gun away and Teyla stood up as McKay coughed up water.

"Sorry about that Major," said Sheppard.

"No problem, sir. Uh, what happened to Ronon's gun?" replied Lorne.

"Not just Ronon's," Sheppard informed him and fired water at the group of them. "Someone swapped our guns for cleverly made water guns."

Mills was not very happy at being wet. "Did you have to do that?"

"That's what I said!" protested McKay. "Though Tatum deserved it for laughing at me."

McKay and Tatum glared at each other.

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "You two be good scientists and _don't_ argue. Major, I hope you have a Puddle Jumper to take us home 'cause I don't think the natives will let us walk through the gate."

"Yes, sir," Lorne confirmed.

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Weir stared at the active Stargate. "Are we getting an IDC?"

"Yes, receiving Colonel Sheppard's IDC."

"Good, lower the shield." Weir walked down the stairs to greet them.

SGA-13 stood in one corner of the room.

SGA-8, SGA-1 and Lorne came through the gate in the Jumper and the gate shut down behind them.

Weir tapped on her radio. "I'll meet you in the gate room."

She saw Sheppard nod and the Jumper lifted off again, Weir suddenly realised that Sheppard had looked quite wet, maybe it had been raining.

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Weir walked to the Jumper Bay, surprised to notice that SGA-13 had followed her.

Sheppard walked up to her, he, and the rest of the people who had gone to PI3 H38, were completely and utterly soaked.

"What happened?" she asked.

"This happened," replied Sheppard and Weir was shocked to see him raise his 9mm at her, she was possibly even more shocked to find herself soaked from a jet of water that came out of the gun.

The whole of SGA-13 burst out laughing.

Weir was even less impressed at being wet then Mills. "What was that?! You are now on laundry duty for a month! Now out that …. Gun, down and come to my office for debriefing!"

Sheppard didn't like laundry duty so he retaliated by firing more water at Weir.

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**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed that, it was completely pointless. Please R&R!


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